When you have all the time in the world to work on yourself and dive into trauma so you can move forward, it is a blessing, even though some of the time it doesn’t feel like it.
Once I started working through all the negative parts of my past, I could see all the things that made me feel unwanted, unloved, rejected, and many not good things during my 39 year lifetime. Into adulthood, I carried this with me desperate to be loved, and my worth became tied to whether or not someone loved me.
Before my business, I was a mess. Stuck in abusive relationships, was too poor to leave them, couldn’t survive financially on my own even though I desperately wanted to. The Autistic Innovator was born because I had no other options and had no way out. I couldn’t get a job to pay me enough to live on my own, and all I had ever been in my adult life was poor. On top of that, I’m so autistic I can’t function at all in a neurotypical world. The last job I had multiple coworkers and bosses made me break down in tears from bullying me. Only one was nice to me. I was lost in a world that never made sense to me.
In the first 13 months of my business, I barely made enough money to survive. My side gig turned into my main income, but it only covered some of my bills. I was going further into credit card debt to survive and forced to take money from friends so I could pay my electric bill and buy food. I hated it. I have a lot of pride and don’t like to accept help from anyone, but I believed in The Autistic Innovator so I rode it out and kept hustling 14 hours a day 6 to 7 days a week.
It took from August 2021 when I launched my store to October 2023 before I could finally live off just my stores alone. After 2 years and 2 months of sacrifice, intertwining The Autistic Innovator with who I am, and putting thousands of hours into it back when I was making so little money from it I had to take from my low wages to keep it online, it was finally there for me when I really needed it the most.
I am genuinely appreciative of every sale I get and every customer because their purchases have been life changing for me. I’m now in the best place I’ve ever been in during my lifetime, and I wouldn’t be here without the few thousand customers who have purchased from my stores.
The Autistic Innovator has brought me a purpose in life. E-commerce is my greatest love and my stores are an effort of love and compassion.
Being in the best place I’ve ever been in life has made me realize the old feelings of unworthiness, deep deep down self-hatred I didn’t know was there, all the self-guilt trips, the sinking feeling in my stomach while I tortured myself replaying the memories of every wrong thing I’ve ever done over and over again, the 30 year struggle with anorexia, all have no place in my present and future.
Addressing what’s underneath the denial is like a full time job, and I’m fortunate that I have the time and space to work through this. It’s not easy. When you work through these things, sometimes you’ll get triggered and all these bad feelings will come rushing back and you start to spiral inside – all of that is normal. It’s a sign of progress, even though it might not feel like it.
The biggest thing I’m learning is that the person I need to forgive the most is myself. I treat fellow autistics with compassion and love, especially with everything I’ve built and continue to build, but I’m not showing myself that same compassion. And that’s something that needs to change. It’s a work in progress.
Most of all, I’m very very grateful for the life I have now. For the first time in my life I have freedom. I’ve got full autonomy and I answer to no one, which is the way I am meant to live. My life is 100% what I want it to be. I wouldn’t be here without all of my stores’ customers, and for that I will always be grateful.
Ashley Lauren Spencer 